When people ask me - what's wrong? It's hard to answer the question, when nothing is right.
Sleeping indeed is one of my favorite moment not just because I love sleep and that my mind don't have to be constantly slap by the reality. But it is also because my life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.
It might sound a little unsound but laughing makes the worries and pain pass by.
The toughest wall decay with time, even the toughest people who never frown eventually break down.
Many look at me and told me and others, 'he's so happy' but there's so much behind this putup smile that you will get to know.
I am always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.
The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive.
It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall. But I never seem to stop.
When you first experience pain, tears, fear or anything horrible - never have you thought you will get use to it but it's funny the way we can get used to it without knowing.
What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?
You probably heard about butterfly effect or like how a small ripple can create horrible situation. And some times the littlest thing in life changes someone forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.
Sometimes if I think that if we wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, we'd be better at actually being happy.
At a point of time, one might not know that they told themselve that "I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else, it see... when I’m all alone its best way to be. When I'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye. Everything is temporary anyway." True that everything is temporary even the worst pain will end someday.
Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more. It seems like a bad thing but with my blank wall, I can rewrite what I thought I could write and make a better future.
I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand.
Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me.
There's a smile on my face but I don't know why it's there... I put it on to satisfy all the people that probably don't even care.
I'm often silent when I am screaming inside.
The deepest people are the ones who've been hurt the most.
Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road and making life do tough?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads?
Wear a mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. The debt we pay to human guile, with torn and broken hearts, we smile.
Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or seen to the inside of me. I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away. Nobody's ever said to me 'no, you're not'.
Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like.
So drop the little negative thoughts, and pick up your life, forget all the bad things, the pain and the strife.
I'm not my usual self being quiet and lonely isn't 'me' crying all night, acting all day this isn't how it's supposed to be.
What's the point in screaming? No one is listening anyway.
Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me, you only see what I choose to show there's so much behind my smile you just don't know.
They say you need to pray, if you want to go to heaven. But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.
The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality (ouch).
There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.
Our scars have the power to remind us that the past is real.
In that one instance I hated everyone in my life, everyone and everything, and me most of all.
I'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.
Behind this smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head.
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.
I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? When you are on the edge, you actually strive the hardest to survive, to overcome and to be better.
Don't we all always hope there'll be someone smart enough to see through us.
If you hold back your feelings because you are afraid of getting hurt, you end up hurting anyway.
Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels.
Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.
I used to have many faults, now I have only two - everything I say and everything I do...
Those who say sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain.
I am not what I ought to be, not what I want to be, but I am thankful that I am better than I used to be.
I'm not afraid of the death in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring, and to see my best friends and family crying.
Are you running away from something you don't want? Or running away from something you're afraid to want?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the moment one area of your life starts going okay, another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces gradually. Am I wrong?
If I would kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow?
Everybody knows that something's wrong with themselve but nobody knows what's going on.
These scars are creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces to tell your story, you don't need to say a word.
Someday I'll fly away.
I was lost. There was nobody for me to talk to about all that you were troubling me with. So I sat alone, with everything inside, and weep myself to sleep. Yes, a total crybaby.
When you talk about feelings, words were too stiff, they were this and not that, they couldn't include all the meanings. In defining, they always left something out.
The skin of a scar is stronger than the original, less aware of pain. Touch any scar you have, you will understand me.
As you are reading this you should be congratulated on having found a way of surviving.
When I express my emotion and thoughts, I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annoying me suddenly seem trivial because I'm concentrating on the pain, worries, anger, joy, love.
Have you ever wanted to just simply given up on pretending to be happy, cause you are tired of getting up every morning and putting on a fake smile, telling yourself "today will be better". You doesnt want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore.
And easier to just stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room you calls your life.
In reality, many of us are slowly losing their mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and wonder myself.
Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "he’s not going to make it?"
It wasn't because I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to finally stop.
Please don't blame anyone for any of the stupid fucking choices you choose to do. You are the one who makes these bad decisions so you will be the one who pays the consequences.
How can you hide from what never goes away?
The feelings that I feel, my own private hell.what have I done?
There is nothing sadder than someone who has barely seen the world, yet who has seen enough of it to know that they don't wish to be a part of it.
You're scared because you don't understand. I'm scared because I do.
“I'm okay...” isn't that what I'm supposed to say?
How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain.
Don't let yourself become so angry that you stop loving, because one day, you'll wake up from that anger, and the person you love will be gone.
knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it.
One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.
Love is when you shed a tear and still wants it, it's when love ignores you and you still love, it's when other half found someone else but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.
I came across to Nick Vujicic‘s words and this sentence caught me. “There’s no point being complete on the outside, when you’re broken on the inside.”
It hit me, that all of us in someway or another we are broken. Why? Because the part that has been broken, will never be the same again. It cannot be patched up. It’s like a mirror. Once broken, there is no glue or sellotape that can make it look like how it was before. There will be some missing pieces. And even if you had all the pieces, it will be disfigured.
But we dare not show this brokenness to others, do we? We’re so afraid that if we let this brokenness out in the lose, we will lose it. We will show the world that we are so vulnerable and easily taken for granted. We refuse to admit we are broken and that we need help. Because like a broken mirror, if brokenness is left uncleared, it could lead to scars. We are afraid of being judged. After all there isn’t many who actually care. Most of them are just looking for juicy gossips.
We afraid of what people would think of us, if they knew what we’ve been through. We fear that if we tell, we would be left alone. So we protect ourselves with the one way we know. We wear masks. Sometimes it helps. But most of the times, we end up crying to sleep.
There are so many form of masks. Some people wear a smile. They pretend that everything is alright to prevent people from asking questions. Some hide through the computer screen. Through facebook and twitter. These are those who succumb to loneliness. Some hide through the way they dress. Their tattoos and piercings. Some hide by wearing their earphones all the time. They drawn themselves in music. After all, music speaks when words fail.
Some submit to alcohol and smoking.. somehow, these items are said to take away the pain, temporarily. Some turn into workaholics. They work 24/7 to get their mind off things. Some turn into other forms of passion. Like writing, reading, watching movie, eating chocolates, exercising..
Now why am I writing all this? Because I think it is very important to deal with brokenness. Because I think brokenness could kill, the person inside of you, that makes you who you are. As Nick Vuijicic said, “No point being complete on the outside, when you’re broken on the inside” … Which means, what is the point of having lots of friends, or the most expensive car, or the perfect body, a partner who doesn’t really care, branded items… when you are never happy at all? When you don’t know where is your life going? When you don’t know why do you have to wear masks all the time? When you feel there is no one who understands? When you can’t get over a hurt that has torn you apart deep down? Really, what’s the point?
There is no such thing as an easy life. Brokenness are meant to occur, one after another. But imagine if you are never healed of any of these brokenness. Where will that lead you? Depression. Where does depression leads you? Six feet underground.
The world is moving in such a fast pace that we are lacking some of the most important times of our life. It is so noisy. We are so hooked to our phone that to live away from it, is impossible. Music, games, texting, networking, friends. We are so occupied that we fail to realize how important is it to deal and mend the parts of life that are broken. And if this prolongs, we will never realize it, even if it hits us right in the middle.
So I think, it is important to sit down and have some quiet time for yourself. Away from the media, from music, from people. Away from masks and smiles. And get yourself to reflect. Acknowledge that you are broken. Don’t run away from it. What is it that is hurting you the most? Why is it hurting you? Do you require someone to talk too? Reflect on the things that you have done and the things you have not done.
I saw this quote “An unexamined life, is not worth living.” Can brokenness be healed? Of course it can.